Oh-kay, first off, enough vid zer turnink-to-dust-at-sunrise jokes, alright? Because zat is all nonsense. Only zer most very set-in-zer-vays vampires cannot handle sunlight, and for a modern, progressive, abstainink vampire like me, it's really not zat big a deal. Yes, it is not really very pleasant either; but it is bearable, especially if vun vears lonk sleeves and a broad-brimmed hat and so forth. Besides, I think zat zer flash of my iconograph may be helping me build up a resistance, you know? Tolerance levels? I mean, I've gone to dust so many times from zat now, zat even should zer sunrise make me go poof! it is not really a big problem.

Vid that out of zer way, I admit I am sort of mixed feelinks about sunrises. I love takink pictures zen-- zer light is so naturally perfect! Crisp cool mornink air and zer rosy glow on zer buildinks and people, very nice. But at zer same time, ooof-- really, ve vampires are not morning people.


Otto Chriek † Discworld † 167 words

It is that sort of autumn that deceptively carries one along for several weeks of heat and humidity before pulling an overnight switcheroo into bleak skies and winds that bite through the woefully thin layers of clothing being worn by the unprepared believers in a late summer. The winds howl down the crooked streets and winding alleys of Ankh-Morpork driving small terrified leaves before them; they whistle and keen and, yes, do their share of laughing at the poor bastards who are whinging on about how, really, it was summer just yesterday.

Otto Chriek, being undead, is not particularly bothered by the cold; indeed, one might say it's his naturally comfortable bodily temperature. He's one of the few Ankh-Morporkians to welcome the end of the sweltering heat and a return to cooler days, and whistles cheerily to himself as he goes about his day's work. This earns him no amount of glares from the usual subjects of his day's work, the individuals appearing in his iconographs mostly blue-faced and shivering as they attempt to look, if not their best, at least not quite their worst for posterity.

( There isn't much news... )



*Thirty-two at last count, including 'unnerving, 'unsettling,' and 'heebie-jeebies to the power of yikes'.



Otto Chriek † Discworld † 966 words

Summer? Summer, zey say. Dearie me.

…You see, Übervaldean summers are not SUMMER, per se, zey are merely zer time ven zer snow melts a bit, and zer humans and dvarves can go in vun furry cloak instead of three, and so forth. So zis memory of summer, it is to have, vot, svimmink around and eatink sausage-on-a-stick and playing zer bladder-ball with inflated pig bladders or somezink? None of zat for me back home!

…on zer ozher hand, Ankh-Morpork, now… zere’s a city zat knows how to hold a summer! It is certainly not a myth zat you can fry an egg on zer streets, as I saw enterprisink young boys doink vhen I first came into town (but I vould not suggest it, as an egg so cooked is only slightly less risky to your health zhen somezink purchased from Mister Cut-Your-Own-Zhroat Dibbler). Anyvays you can imagine vot I thought, on first comink into Ankh-Morpork in zer middle of one of zese summers, havink never experienced veather more zhan a stone’s throw avay from “atmospheric thunderstorm.” Vampires, as a rule, zer temperature does not bother us much vun vay or zer ozher, but let me say, comink into town, I felt zer sweat rollink down my forehead and began to vish, not for a hot steamy vein of … you know… but rather an ice-cold drink of vater! (Vell, I vould not have turned down an ice-cold b-vord smoothie, at any rate.) Much sheddink of layers, much moppink of brows. I asked zer locals how zey could stand it, to general scorn; you see, zer true Ankh-Morporkian does not condescend to notice zer veather any more zhen he is bothered by zer fact zat zer rivers are not exactly ‘rivers.’

Ah, enterink Ankh-Morpork in zer great lines at zer city’s gate, filled vid vagons and all sorts of travelers… and the smell… zer stench of unvashed, heavink, strainink beasts under their burdens… and of course, there vere zer animals too as vell as zer people…

Vot can I say of blissful summer?



Otto Chriek † Discworld † 344 words

Sometimes I still think I should have killed Lord de Vorde-- Villiam's father. Terrible nasty excuse for a human beink, or even any sort of person at all. Pfeh.

Zose like him, I know ze type all too vell. Übervald is full of zem. Zey are not violent men-- hoh no! Zey vould never dirty zer hands, and not because zey have ze morals and ethics, but because it vould be beneath them. Mess up zer fancy clothes! And vy should zey do zat, eh, ven zere are dumb scared villagers zey can vip into a fury and send out on a lynchink!?

I do not blame zer villagers so much, big blocks of vood for heads zat zey vere. Ja, it is stupid of zem to have feared us so (anyvun vid an ounce of sense knows a vampire prefers zer upper-class maidens. He vill only go for zer hearty country milkmaid or robust farm boyo-lad if ze pickings up at zer local manor house are very slim. Zer peasantry has a not-really-pleasant flavor of chicken stock, and besides vun is much likelier to get hit upside zer head vid a heavy skillet, or, far vorse, have a vooden mop handle/chair leg shoved in your direction...), but vhatever-- it vas ze rich men of zer towns zat vould urge zem into all a fury and into grabbink zer pitchforks and torches and heading up to zer local cave or castle. And zen zer rich man vould sit on his horse very pretty in zer back vhile ze robust farm boyo-lads do zer chargink in. The first few alvays, er, bite it, if I can make zis horrible pun, because a cornered vampire vill fight like nobody's commerce. Ze numbers vill vin, yes, but it is terrible bloody messy business for everyvun.

Anyvays zis is zer sort of person I thought of ven I vas holdink Lord de Vorde so close zat I vas tastink his fear. His type of person and my type-- zer vampires who tried, back home. Gunther only ate on zer farm animals and Lucretia, not even zat, only rats and bats and so forth....

I know ve are not perfect, my kind. And zose who still prey on zer humans, vell, vot can I say? Zat zey die is unfortunate, but it is only logic zat if you go around killink zer people you vill sooner or later have zer mob beatink down your castle door, ja? But I am not speakink of zem, but zer vampires who tried, made ze attempt, yes, to live and let live.... So many needless deaths! For zem I should have drunk Lord de Vorde down to zer dry vhite pasty marrow of him!

....but I did not. I refrain, restrain myself and let him go and so forth. Maybe zis is because I am really a very good nice decent person, like Villiam say. Maybe.

Or maybe because lettink him live... lettink him know he is only alive because a monster showed him mercy... maybe because zis is a better revenge.



Otto Chriek † Discworld † 516 words

Monogamy? Vat, you mean ze whole only-kissing-one-girl-at-a-time? Ah, it hasz been a vhile since I vas vid ze kissing! You see, ven I am zat close to a young lady, it is that I cannot but think of her... you know... the ... b-vord. Her veins, they are so close then, and I can feel her heartbeat and... pounding avay... so -close-... racing... just beneath... ze.... skin.......

...
...I... vat? Oh, oh, forgive me, I vas being distracted! I am so sorry. Vat you must think of me, haha! Ha! Monogamy, yes!

I think zat you could say that I am being very faithful, yes, to tea and cocoa and vater. To the League of Temperance! I sometimes vant to go back to the disgusting terrible habit of before but I am stronk, I refuse to give in to temptation. So zis is sort of monogamy, yes?

So I zink that monogamy can be hard and difficult, but vid a little villpower and determination, one can be faithful and steadfazt!

-----
Otto Chriek/Discworld/170 words